News FeedEighty-Seven Days Until My Release From Taft Prison Camp
As a prisoner, I feel humbled in ways that I never expected. Sometimes, those feelings are more profound than at others. It is surprisingly easy to adjust to the daily living patterns inside the Taft minimum-security camp, and the ten months I’ve served have passed well. Yet sometimes I feel shaken with the reality that I am a convicted felon, and that I owe a great debt to society.
Those thoughts came to me yesterday, as I was walking back toward my housing unit from the visiting room. My friend Brad had driven up from Los Angeles to visit with me and we enjoyed a wonderful few hours together. He has been a close friend of mine since childhood, and he has been extremely supportive of me throughout my ordeal. While we were visiting, another prisoner introduced me to his wife, and she told me how much she enjoyed reading my blog postings. The day before, I sat for an interview with representatives of a university who wanted to talk with me about my case and my journey through the criminal justice system.
All of that attention, with visits from home, compliments from strangers, interactions with universities, camouflaged the seriousness of my predicament. As I walked back into prison after my visit, however, I realized that I was not some kind of celebrity. I was a felon, a prisoner, a convicted criminal. It was my duty to atone, to redeem the troubles I had caused.
As I thought about the very different status I would have in society upon my release, I understood that these final 87 days I was serving may be the calm before the storm. I feel prepared to navigate my way through the challenges ahead, but new concerns are creeping into my conscience. For the rest of my life, I must accept that others will look at me as if I am a bad example. That stings. It is the shame I have brought upon myself as a consequence of my criminal behavior.
When these anxieties come over me, I feel sobered, as if I no longer have the right to smile, as if I should hold my head down in disgrace. I want so badly to live as a part of society again, to make my parents proud. Will that be possible? I don’t know, and I’m struggling with the likelihood that regardless of what good I strive to do or contribute, I will forever live with the stigmas associated with my criminal conviction. I will be the stockbroker from Bear Stearns and UBS who facilitated a Ponzi scheme.
I was once an athlete, a man who lived with a sense of honor, dignity, and integrity. Knowing that I had forfeited the right to be characterized by such virtues was my real punishment. That knowledge was far worse than the year I was serving in prison, far more substantial than the six-figure costs associated with my crime. People might shake my hand and smile upon greeting me, but what would they say behind my back? “He was in prison,” I presume. For the rest of my life, I would carry this stigma. Like Sisyphus endured, it was punishment without end. I earned it, I suppose.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Hi—
I would like to encourage you to perhaps reconsider some of your precepts.
Life is a motion picture, not a still picture.
Every person walking this earth carries the burdens of their character defects and the gifts of their abilities. It is in working with others that we become happy, joyous, and free. There is no way you can control what others may think. You can control what you think.
I encourage you to float above your life’s timeline and detach from the feelins that bind you. Let them go. You need not carry the burdens of your conduct any further than you already have.
Now, a suggestion would be to work with others. Give of yourself and what you know so that you might be of maximum service to your fellow man.
I have a strong intuitive feeling that your world will come together once the man comes back together.
Be well…
Rob
This post was directed at Justin– not Michael. Furthermore, it was posted prior to my review of Justin’s blog. I did e-mail Justin stating that I was far too quick to post this response. Justin is obviously taking positive actions on keeping “the man together” as his world comes together. He does this by sharing his experience, strength and hope for the future while being of service to others in a positive manner.
My fault. Sorry.
Rob
Hi Rob,
Thanks for posting your comments on Justin’s entry. I am sure your message acknowledging Justin’s efforts to learn and grow through his prison experience will mean a lot to Justin and his family.
Carole Santos