News FeedMaintaining A Thriving Marriage From Prison
Since I am a long-term prisoner, many people wonder how it is that I enjoy such a magnificent marriage with my wife, Carole. I understand those curiosities. Divorce rates in America for couples who don’t struggle through the obstacles of confinement do not bode well for the concept of marriage. Carole and I are enjoying our seventh year together, and some of my readers wonder how this is possible.
Jessica is a criminal justice student who asked several questions about my prison adjustment. I’ll respond through separate posts, but I begin with her questions about my marriage to Carole. I began preparing for my marriage to Carole many years before she came into my life. In some ways, it feels as if my entire prison adjustment was about preparing myself for love.
I entered prison when I was 23, and the sentence I received made it abundantly clear that I would serve many years inside. I didn’t know how long I would serve, but I knew that I wanted to adjust in a way that would make me a viable candidate to attract the love of a woman. I did not want to live alone. Knowing that, I thought about what I would have to achieve in order to overcome the stigma of my confinement. Those musings led me to commit to education, to fitness, to character development. Although I was locked in a community of men, I thought about the marriage I wanted and the kind of husband I wanted to become to the woman who eventually would come into my life. After 15 years of imprisonment, God blessed me with Carole.
She was my inspiration even before our romance began. Together we have created a story that empowers me to endure the challenges that complicate the lives of so many other prisoners. As the Second Chance Act shows, most prisoners lack the family and community support that Carole and I work so hard to build. We are a team, true partners, married in every way.
Because I have always been preparing for Carole, I’ve never considered a negative adjustment. She was always my pursuit, to live as a great husband to her. The complications of confinement of our life separate us physically, though our marriage brings us closer in other ways. Carole is an extraordinary wife, my inspiration to live as a better man. I strive to emulate her strength every day, as her commitment is a virtue I admire. I don’t know anyone who could walk in her shoes.
Prisons are dehumanizing not because of their physical conditions, but because of the emotional afflictions they induce. They cause unnecessary harm on families by erecting barriers that obstruct communications. Carole and I are prohibited from visiting more than once each week and rules limit us to fewer than 10 minutes of telephone time on average per day. Prisons have required that Carole and I overcome many obstacles, including several transfers. We persevere because of a commitment we make to nurture our marriage each day. Prisons do not facilitate family ties, we know, so we must work harder. We love with enthusiasm, each with a readiness to give more. That commitment is why our marriage thrives.
Since you and Carole are limited to seeing each other only once a week and have a conversation that is fewer than 10 minutes per day, how do you maintain the love you have for her with so much obstacles around you? How do other inmates treat you when they see you with your wife? Are the inmates who are not married ” jealous”? Meaning they wish they could have had something like you! For those who are “jealous”, why couldn’t they have a marriage? What is it about jail that stopped them? How were you able to break the barriers of prison to be able to last in your relationship?
My marriage to Carole was a blessing, a gift from God for which I feel extremely grateful. Few men who serve lengthy prison terms succeed in finding women with whom they can nurture lasting romance. Too many obstacles exist. In federal prison, for example, rules limit us to 10 minutes of telephone access on average each day. We face visiting restrictions that challenge those who strive to cultivate loving relationships. Carole and I work together to overcome the struggles of keeping our family intact.
The key to our happiness, I think, is that we both share a commitment to enriching our relationship. This commitment began long before Carole and I married. In fact, for me, it began when I was first locked inside a prison. Back then, I envisioned what I wanted for my life upon my release. I knew that I did not want to live as a criminal. To overcome the bad decisions I had made in my early 20s, I believe that I would have to educate myself. By educating myself, I felt as if I could create more opportunities to enrich my life and contribute to the lives of others.
I did not anticipate I would find the woman to whom I would pledge my life, but the preparations I made through my prison adjustment made it possible for Carole and me to reconnect. She has inspired me ever since. Other prisoners who serve time by the hour rather than with a long-term focus miss opportunities to prepare themselves. That lack of preparation does not lead them into relationships with women that can withstand the challenges of confinement.
I’m blessed with Carole’s magnificent love, though I feel convinced that through my early prison adjustment, I willed her into my life. Ever since then, by working together we’ve been able to make our marriage thrive.
It’s abosultely true what you said regarding you and Carole’s relatioship. I personally recently got involve with an inmate in PA prison. This guy is one of the most intelligent, powerful, caring, deep and sensitive person in the world. He strived hard for years to educate and improve himself. I love him with all my heart and we are planning to get married. He attracted me into his life or rather, let me say I attracted him into my life and am glad. Loving a person incarcerated in prison comes with a very high price, but to me it’s worth paying.
I recently got involved with man in texas prison through a pen pal program and we realized we had so much in common and slowly started to fall in love. it’s hard and aggravating thing to deal with but its so worth it!