News FeedNurturing My Marriage Through Prison
Nurturing relationships while struggling through the complications of a prison term requires a daily commitment. Carole and I understood the challenges we would have to overcome long before we agreed to marry in a prison visiting room. I wrote about our courtship and marriage in several previous articles.
I meet many prisoners, however, whose wives did not sign up for a prison term, as Carole did. For them, the challenges are more difficult. Open communication and constant nurturing have worked for Carole and me. I am confident that the efforts we have made and continue to make to tie and link our lives together is what keeps our marriage strong.
Last year I read a career-building book by Marshall Goldsmith. Mr. Goldsmith is a well-known executive coach who wrote What Got You Here Won’t Get You There. In that book, the author suggested that the steps an executive must take to advance his career during the formative years differed from the steps he would have to take to reach the highest levels of leadership. In courses I’ve taught in prison, I frequently referenced Mr. Goldsmith’s work. I feel convinced that the lessons don’t only apply to career building, but to staining a marriage or relationship through the adversity of confinement as well.
Carole and I have thrived through seven years of my confinement together because we continuously work on understanding each other and fulfilling the needs of each other. During the beginning of our relationship, we both understood that we had to create stability. We worked together as a team to generate the resources necessary for Carole to earn credentials that would ensure her stability. We chose nursing. With that focus, we expected that we could always be close enough to nurture our marriage through visits, regardless of where administrators confined me. Carole is my family, my every breath.
Weekly visits would not be enough to carry us through the many years we had to serve. Through regular correspondence, meaning daily letters, we made plans together, measured progress together, shared dreams together, worked through problems together. I anticipated Carole’s needs and worked to help resolve them before she had to ask; I felt her commitment to do the same for me. These were the continuous investments each of us to do the same for me. These were the continuous investments each of us made to keep the passion, romance, and commitment alive in our marriage, despite our having to wait years to enjoy more physical intimacy than kisses under the bright lights of a prison visiting room.
What brought us through the first seven years of our magnificent relationship, however, differs from what we build now. We’re in the final stretch, and although we both continue to grow closer by anticipating the needs of the other, we’re also focusing more intently on preparing for the challenges that await my release. We’re focusing on building our savings. We’re focusing on preparing for my career rather than Carole’s career. We’re working harder than ever before.
The greatest blessing God has given me has been Carole’s love. I feel grateful for every second I have with her. My commitment to her and to our marriage is what drives and inspires my adjustment. It is the reason I exercise, the reason I devote so many hours to writing, and the reason behind the books I read. I feel a duty, an obligation to prove worthy of the love and commitment she gives to me. That can never stop. I will always strive to give her more. These are the strategies that allow our marriage to thrive through imprisonment.
People who are able to maintain relationships in spite of prison are the true embodiment of commitment and sacrifice.
I am so amazed and inspired by your words. I know you are speaking to those who are in a similiar position as you, however, reading about the love you and Carole share and your constant consideration of one another makes me realize that is the foundation for all relationships. I have you both in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing that you are granted a release as soon as possible! Blessing to you both!
Hey: I don’t know if this is really relevant to your purposes, but while I was going through my grad program at Regent U, I designed a class for use in prison for prisoners and their wives, to begin about 6 months prior to release, to start rebuilding their marriages. It was partially based on my own experiences but also a lot of research, with interpersonal communication skills at the center. The idea was that the last few months before arrest are usually so horrible, with hubby on this notorious no holes barred downhill slide, that arrest is a relief to all.However, often the wife is left absent the codependent other and now must learn to fend for herself.And she does, marshalls resources, grows strong, so by the time the husband is ready to get out the kids are all eager but she begins to get depressed, because her last memories are bad, she didn’t like herself then, and she likes herself now. That is why marriages fall apart after prison terms rather than during them.
I never had the opportunity to offer this class, since reentry and reintegration was not the priority it seems to be getting to be in some places anyway today. But I wonder if it would be any use to you?
cm
I would like to say what a relief it is to read the information you have written about relationships within prison walls. I have a story much like yours. I was reunited with a highschool sweetheart after 18 years. It was at first exciting to visit him and to catch up on lost time. But as our relationship grew deeper the harder it has become emotionally. I do not get to visit him as often as I would like do to the fact I live in another state but our time together is priceless. I left him behind yesterday. I am having such a hard time returning home. I can’t function for having the deep feelings and desires that I have for him. How do you express the feelings you have for someone when the word “love” doesnt even begin to describe your feelings. The fact that there is no phissical aspect in our relationship I believe has allowed us to open ourselves up and comunicate our feelings unlike many outside relationships. I know men in general have a hard time expressing their feelings, but James has found it deep inside himeself to express to me every day how very much he loves me. And I truly feel that it will continue even after his release. Our love is stronger than anything I have ever felt. He will be released soon and worries and concerns have crossed my mind. Will he be able to get a job, how can I help him with the transition from prison walls to comming home with me? If you have any suggestions please let me know how I can make this as easy as possible on him.
LD
Several years ago I was reacquainted with someone from childhood. I had no desire to see him; he had just completed 6 years for theft of means. From the moment I saw him, I was struck. We had 9 months of warmth, love and so much more that it overwhelmed me. Then it was over in a moment. Meth and heroin took him back. Right now I sit in a downtown hotel room, waiting for 8:15AM court. With multiple charges, mostly drug related, he is looking at 6+ years. The last two years have been me chasing him. And him with a pull me in (money, using me), to out of the blue proposing. We spent two weeks this Christmas of him going cold turkey then running back to the life style, and being arrested and unbondable.
It took him 4 days to finally call collect from jail. When asked him why it took so long to call, he said he didn’t think I would talk to him. I assured him that I remain by his side and would be at court in the morning. He could only respond “really” “really and truly?”
I think that this may be a common story for many a women. The man pushes and pushes away the one that loves them. Why put them through this? What do they have to offer: nothing. She really won’t wait. No one else ever has.
What will it take. What is it that turned you or others to change your habit or what I’m asking is change your attitude.